My sister got a
taser, and my mother got
a gun for Christmas.
We shot mom’s pistol
into the embankment out
back behind the house.
Next we measured the
striking range of my sister’s
new taser: six feet.
Mom couldn’t bring her
pistol to the grammar school
where she taught fractions.
And my sister, she
couldn’t bring her new taser
to college with her.
So they left them home
where I watched them both and I
I recognize my faults; I am always conscious of my sins. I have sinned and done what I consider evil, which is make a joke about kale. So you are right in judging me; you are justified in condemning me. Anyway here is my kale joke in The Haven.
It may be interesting to you to know that I wrote it when I was alone in a cabin in the woods enduring several days of primordial animal terror. I kept a fire going, held tightly onto a metal fire poker, awaited my demise, read a copy of the New York Times I picked up before heading into the woods, and wrote this kale joke.
I got all my personal data as a CSV so I could understand my grief.
I developed a sensible grief metric and submitted the metric to a variety of innovative but well-established statistical analysis and data visualization techniques.
The file containing my personal grief data was too large to be stored locally and so I configured a remote database to store my grief data using new and affordable cloud-based technologies.
I visualized my grief for my parents and siblings in a series of charts that I embedded in an e-mail.
can’t get last one to load, my dad replied.
I sent it again but at a lower resolution so the file size would be reduced. I felt that this chart contained important information pertaining to my personal grief which is why I’d saved it at such a high resolution at first. I was happy to re-send the smaller file, even though I really wanted my dad to have the high resolution version as well.
I put them all in the family’s directory on the cloud computer technology I had learned to use and set a reminder on my calendar to print them all out at the library before we all met at my parents’ house for lunch the following Sunday.
I made enough copies for everyone and passed them out, after church but before the ballgames started.